When it's all been said and done...

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." (Flavia Weedn)

Well it's been almost two years since I last posted here. It's been a loooong time. I have kept writing now and again, just not here.

In the intervening period I sadly had to say goodbye to Dad on April 5th 2012, after a long, brave battle against cancer. His final week - in hospital - was one of the hardest I've ever known. There but for the Grace of God go I. General busyness and life 'stuff' also prevented me from writing here. I didn't forget about this space, timing just wasn't right.

So why now? Necessity I think. Mum and I finally picked up Dad's ashes yesterday morning. The whole experience has been mildly traumatic and surreal. Mainly surreal. I even awoke from nightmares the two mornings beforehand. I'm writing this at gone 2am because part of me is afraid to sleep and have another bad dream*. Psalm 4:8 helps. I've been desperate for closure since the funeral, but with family in Wales in full-time work, it was a logistical nightmare to organise a right time for us all to carry out Dad's wishes and take his ashes to Crete. That time is now fast approaching.

Bereavement is somewhat insidious. I've been more of a wreck in recent weeks than I was before - possibly as the time approaches to finally say 'Adieu'. I need that to happen now, to be able to move on. Suddenly having to have one of my two cats put to sleep a month ago during a hectic work period didn't help. Hearing a friend's bad news was the final straw in my fragile emotional state (not that I was a weepy mess, just an unanchored, frustrated and hurting one). I swore on Twitter too - I did apologise though... while others freely curse, I did care that I'd resorted to that and at that point I'd had enough - of sorrow, of myself, of 'God'. I decided to take a month off from social media - namely Facebook and Twitter - while I complete the trips lined up... and hopefully get some sense of that closure with regards the rituals of mourning. 

I also feel I need to 'refind' myself. Not in an airy-fairy new agey way, but in a getting-back-under-the-shadow-of-God's-wings way. I need Time Out - to reconnect, to know God's love. I even had to finally force myself to cry today by listening to sad, nostalgic songs... the only way to release some of the pressure building inside. Don Moen's song 'When it's all been said and done' being one. I've been too busy to process much.

Very few people know about this blog, so it's an ideal place to write more personal stuff at the moment. I'm writing for myself. I may jot down some thoughts over the next month... I'll see what the view is like from within those wings...

*Incidentally I awoke from a lovely dream involving searching for unusually-textured blue stones and shells to paint... very peaceful!